And I was running!
The race began some unknown amount of time before I was born. When I became aware of it, the race was already on. I simply found myself in the race.
And I was running. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was running to or why I was running. I was told that this is how life gets better. So as life got better, I kept my head down and ran harder. School. College. Job. I ran through it all. And the lines between life and the race blurred. I no longer knew where one ended and the other started. My life had simply become the race.
The race kept getting harder, but I kept pace with it. And the running was not just metaphorical. I was working in Mumbai which meant I was literally running everyday for years. But as I got faster and better, and had a chance to catch my breath, a few questions cropped in my mind. Questions that I had never asked before. Where am I running? Why am I running? And most importantly, what happens if I stop?
When I shared these questions with others, I either got confused stares or a curt response of ‘shut up and run!’. But there was no going back to a time when I had never thought these questions. I knew it was going to be impossible to keep running without some answers.
So I went against everyone’s advice and stopped. I was hoping to get an answer to atleast one of my questions. I quit my job and decided to try something else. Since programming was the only thing I knew, I tried to work as a freelance programmer. In hindsight, it was obvious that I was terrible at freelancing. Though at that time, I thought I just needed to try a little harder. Having my parent’s support helped a lot. It helped me sustain my efforts but success was not to be found. I believed I had made a mistake and after a year of struggle, I decided to go back to my old life. Not exactly my old life, but more like a better version of it, if possible. A few months of studying and some interviews later, I found myself halfway across the world in a new city and a new life. I had answered one question. Stopping was not a problem, as long as I was ready to start again. I didn’t forget the other questions, but they got moved to the back of my mind as I saw a new world of possibilities. A world I had known existed, but didn’t know how different it was from my own world. There was so much to explore, so much to do and so much to experience.
And once again, I was running. But this was different. The race itself was no longer the focus of life. But rather it was a means to an end. I was no longer spending four hours everyday on a train. I no longer had to wait for weekends, to find some spare time for myself. I no longer had my career taking up all of my life. I was spending evenings doing various activities. Weekends exploring the city and neighboring places. And vacations going to places I never thought I would see. During all this time, even though the questions were not top of mind for me, I was stumbling upon the answers nonetheless. Maybe not the exact answers, but I was getting closer. Beyond that, I was asking better questions.
Am I moving towards what I want? Why do I want what I want? And most importantly how often should I stop and reevaluate if I still want it? I also realized that the answers and the questions changed from time to time, and that was actually a good thing. More than that, I realized it is okay to not know all the answers. I knew as long as I didn’t stop asking questions and looking for the answers, I will be fine.
In all the good times I find myself
Longin’ for change
- Shallow
Which brings me to the now. Currently I have some answers and not others. But I feel, it is time to stop and reevaluate. I have been told I should do the reevaluation while running, but I find that to be difficult. Everything is moving around me and it is easy to get carried away in the frenzy, especially if things are going well. So I am going to stop running for a while. As I cool down on this run and look at the possibilities, I wonder what is next for me. I don’t know what life will throw at me. But whatever it is, I do know one thing.
I will be running.
Yeto,
Vipul
